It’s early in the morning; it’s dark, I feel disoriented, light headed, do I throw up, do I scream (just as TJ taught me, I admire his enthusiasm), there’s still things to do, my niece and nephew are still asleep. Focus, shower.

My brother is making coffee, it’s early, he’s taking us to Santa Fe so we can take the train to Albuquerque. Use the extra time to catch up with Nicole, then take a noon flight to San Francisco, with a layover in Phoenix. Tonight, ~16 hours from now, we take a 17 hour flight to Singapore. That’s overwhelming, where was I? That’s right, shower.

It’s cold, it has been raining the last two days and now it’s snowing. Luckily though it’s a light snow.

Ana wakes up, she gives hugs, she’s always quiet when saying goodbye. She’s nine now, smart, always eyes wide open taking everything in, I think she understands what Selina and I are about to embark on. Oliver is seven also ahead of the curve and full of energy, he’s asleep, last night when Natanya was explaining he won’t get to see us for a while his response was “that’s not true, they’re coming back”.

We drive to Santa Fe, I still feel unrested, sick, for a moment I almost ask my brother to stop so I can throw up. Deep breaths, this is just a long vacation, a year long vacation. What will I learn? How will I change? Why do I feel this way?

We’re at the train station in Santa Fe, the train engine is on, the office is closed. Where do we get tickets? For a moment I think the worst and have flashes of our future; of the countless delays, missed connections and detours we are to have..cut… no; “Just hop on and we’ll come to you”. That was easy. Focus on now. Where’s Juan?

We say goodbye to Juan, my big brother. In many ways he’s the father I never had. Growing up was difficult for us, even though we’ve grown closer now there’s still more I can do. I should have said this,
I should have said that,
I choked,
no time now but for a hug,
no time for goodbye,
thank you,
see you soon.

We get on the train, we find a place upstairs to sit, look at each other and smile, my heart melts, all worries, gone.

This is us now; trains, planes, hitchhike, walk, hike… The no comfort zone. This is our next chapter, and despite all the knots,
all the confusing thoughts,
it will be fun connecting the dots.

I’m committed.